


Crack My Heart Open

by tyrus-time (itgrowslikeafire)



Category: Andi Mack (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Coming Out, Crushes, Fluff and Angst, Gay Male Character, Gender Dysphoria, Getting Together, Love Confessions, M/M, Misunderstandings, Mutual Pining, TW: cyrus accidentally touches TJ's chest (not knowing he's trans), The Swings(TM), The’ve both got insecurities and fear rejection, Trans Male Character, Trans TJ
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-03
Updated: 2018-12-03
Packaged: 2019-08-17 14:52:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,945
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16518581
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/itgrowslikeafire/pseuds/tyrus-time
Summary: TJ Kippen was a complex individual teenage boy.He also happened to be gay and trans.And he was in love with his friend Cyrus Goodman.





	Crack My Heart Open

**Author's Note:**

> Alright so I started this MONTHS ago and made a draft on here, then finished writing it a few weeks ago, and then put it aside, and now I’m finally posting it before the draft expires. Welp. 
> 
> Also, bc I wrote this before ep 6+7, this fic exists in a universe where the gun storyline doesn’t happen!  
> And for this fic, let’s ignore the fact that TJ touches Cyrus’ chest in canon aksksks
> 
> And finally, the title and the lyrics posted below are from the song “Crack My Heart” by Tonight Alive. I highly recommend listening!

**_Crack my heart open with your bare hands and watch me bloom._ **

**_Set my soul on fire and I will unfold for you._ **

**_I wanna feel, wanna heal, wanna break, wanna change, wanna live._ **

**_I wanna feel, wanna heal, wanna break, wanna change, wanna live._ **

 

TJ Kippen was a complex individual teenage boy. 

He also happened to be gay and trans. 

Should he have been ashamed of who he was? 

Absolutely not. 

But was he anyway?

Honestly… yeah. It was part of his “stuff.” Stuff that  _ shouldn’t _ have to be a big deal, and yet... it was. Because society really sucked sometimes. 

The gay part on its own didn’t bother him so much, actually. It was 2018:  _ some people are gay, get over it.  _ There were certainly homophobes in his Midwestern town, and it pissed him off, but TJ had grown up seeing enough representation to know that being gay was 'okay.'

But being transgender? Now **that** wasn’t really talked about. **That** wasn’t understood. Especially being a trans **guy** _;_ a lot of people only had Caitlyn Jenner as a vague frame of reference for trans stuff. This didn't exactly help them understand TJ.

Combine being transmasculine with being gay, and most people  _ really  _ got confused. 

It took his own parents awhile to accept that their 'daughter' was actually their son. And even though they finally let him transition, TJ still wasn't confident that they _truly_ accepted him; occasionally he sensed disappointment in them, or perhaps a wistfulness over the 'loss' of the daughter that they thought they would have. It hurt.

So yeah, TJ struggled with shame about his gender. How could he not be, when much of the world seemed to think he didn’t even exist? How do you cope with that? 

Going stealth seemed like the only way he could be seen as the boy he was. After he finished fifth grade, his parents let him cut his hair and cut ties with almost everyone he knew. It's not like he was super close with anyone, anyway. They didn't even talk to their neighbors.

He was lucky that the school district system had put him a middle school that was different from the one that most of his elementary peers would go to. Very few people at Jefferson would recognize him or his last name. 

He could just be **TJ**. 

But even so, he always had his guard up. He didn't want anyone to ever read him as female.

He kept his expressions cold and stern. He carried himself with as much confidence as possible. Nobody would  _ dare _ question or confront him if he was intimidating.

This was especially necessary being on the boys basketball team. Every trip to the locker room was marked by anxiety. But with swagger in his step and a poker-face mask, TJ could change in private without comments or judgement from the other guys. 

(At least, TJ hoped they weren’t judging him.)

He’d never let them see how insecure he was. 

 

Everything started changing when TJ met Cyrus. Sweet, dorky, adorable, stubbornly supportive Cyrus. That boy was something special. Around him, there was no need to be guarded. 

TJ had previously rolled his eyes at the trope of “walls tumbling down” whenever you were around a certain person.

But now he understood it entirely. 

Every time they were together, TJ felt himself change.

TJ couldn’t help but smile like a loon whenever Cyrus did something cute, and he couldn’t help but open up around Cyrus. Not about being gay and trans -- not yet, at least. But Cyrus had helped him with his math issues, or rather, his insecurity about his math issues, with no judgment. If being vulnerable could be met with such compassion, than maybe it was all worth it. 

It was Cyrus who made him realize he was truly worth something. It was Cyrus who inspired him to be a kinder person, confronting his past mistakes and apologizing to Buffy. It was Cyrus who he liked being around more than anybody else.

 

 

TJ liked hanging out with just Cyrus. When it was just the two of them, he felt safe and comfortable. 

However, just as he had encouraged Cyrus to go outside his comfort zone, Cyrus was doing the same in return. An art festival was going on in town, and Cyrus invited TJ to come along with him and Buffy. Buffy’s boyfriend (or not-boyfriend? it was unclear) was creating chalk art on the sidewalk of the main festival street, and he wanted their help.

“I’m not really the artistic type, Cyrus,” TJ had initially warned.

“Pleeeease, Teej? Andi is still refusing to be around Buffy and Walker, and Jonah is busy. I don’t want to be a third wheel again!”

How could he say no to Cyrus? He was defenseless against those puppy dog eyes  “Alright, fine, I will go.  _ For you _ . But I’m warning you, I cannot draw.”

Cyrus smiled. “No worries, neither can I. Walker is sketching out the whole thing; apparently he just needs us to help fill in some areas with solid colors.”

“Alright, that sounds doable.”

 

Now it was time for the festival, and Cyrus had been right; Walker had done most of the work already. Abstract shapes were sketched along a stretch of sidewalk, some marked with different colored ‘X’s. Walker, Buffy, and Cyrus were already there, chatting and coloring.

“Hey, you made it!” Cyrus beamed upon seeing TJ approach, who nodded his head in greeting. “Walker, this is TJ; TJ, this is Walker.”

“Welcome, welcome! Nice to meet you, TJ. Thanks for coming out to help,” the artist smiled.

“You can thank Cyrus here; he’s the one that convinced me to come. I’m not an artist but I’ll try my best to help.”

“Sweet, let’s get you started then!” Walker handed TJ some chalk and directed him to areas that needed to be colored.

TJ began the day feeling out of his depth, but as the four of them continued to work and chat, he found himself enjoyed the company of the group. Whenever Walker and Buffy would act flirtatious, Cyrus would give a knowing look to TJ that said, “There they go again.” 

TJ’s heart flip-flopped when he thought about whether or not Cyrus might reciprocate those types of mushy feelings for him. He wasn’t exactly subtle about his affection for Cyrus, and he definitely felt a spark between the two of them. However, he wasn’t sure if Cyrus felt the same way.

Obviously Cyrus could recognize flirting between two other people, so did that mean he recognized TJ’s flirtation but didn’t feel the same way?  _ I’m just reading too much into this, _ TJ thought when Cyrus smirked again in reaction to Buffy and Walker. 

_ And even if Cyrus does like me back, what if he doesn’t like…  _ **_all of_ ** _ me?  _ TJ doubted that Cyrus would be transphobic, but accepting trans people in theory was very different from accepting trans people as romantic partners.

He pushed his uncertainties away and focused on taking out his tension with chalk. The repetitive coloring motion was actually quite soothing. Maybe he shouldn’t have been so quick to declare himself unartistic.

 

Eventually the four finished and stood back to marvel at their handiwork.

“This looks awesome! Thanks so much for your help. You guys did great,” Walker grinned. 

“Yeah, we did, didn’t we!” Cyrus smiled and went to high five TJ. “Oh geez, my hands are covered in chalk. Walker, do you have anything to wipe this off?”

“Nope,” Walker shrugged.

“How are you not covered in chalk  _ already _ ?” Buffy asked. She had been sitting on the chalky ground without concern for the mess. “Why don’t you just wipe it on your pants?” 

“I’ve been  _ careful _ . I don’t want chalk marks all over  _ these _ !” Cyrus gestured emphatically to his patterned trousers. “These are my fancy pants!” He wiggled his eyebrows.

_ God, you’re adorable, _ TJ thought, trying (and failing) to stifle a lovesick grin.

“Why would you wear ‘fancy pants’ when you knew we’d be doing this?” Buffy chuckled and rolled her eyes.

“I wanted to be artsy!” 

“Oh, if that’s the case, why not embrace the chalk?” TJ smirked, bending down and rubbing his hand into chalk dust. Before Cyrus could realize what he meant, TJ had placed his chalk-covered hand on Cyrus’ shoulder, leaving a blue handprint on his shirt. “There,  _ very  _ artsy.”

Buffy and Walker giggled as Cyrus laughed in disbelief. “Tyronius. Jackson. Kippen. How dare you,” he pointed and teased with faux anger.

“That’s not what my name actually stands for, you know,” TJ laughed.

“Doesn’t matter. You have wronged me, and now you must pay,” Cyrus declared dramatically, lurching towards TJ with chalk-covered hands.

“Not if you can’t catch me!” TJ jumped up and darted back.

Cyrus chased after him.“Oh, but you forget that dance class has improved my stamina!” 

The two boys giggled and zig-zagged back and forth, reaching out to tag each other without being tagged themselves. TJ ducked around a corner to a side street, only to find himself cornered. Cyrus caught up, fumbling a bit, and managed to clumsily tag TJ.

Right on his chest.

TJ cringed and jerked away, dysphoria hitting him like a truck. His face hardened; he felt his skin crawl and his mind start to slip away from his body. 

The two stood frozen for a moment. 

Cyrus’ eyes widened and he started, “TJ, I—”

TJ felt his chest tighten and his stomach drop. He didn’t feel right. He didn’t even feel like he was  _ there _ . 

He panicked. 

“I… gotta go.”

He ran.

 

He didn’t know where he was going. He just knew he needed to  _ move _ . If he stayed still, then anxiety would hold him down while dysphoria drowned him. He’d been pulled underneath that current too many times in the past.  

In the back of his mind, he knew he’d feel terrible about abandoning Cyrus there.

But right now, the only thing he could do was run. That, and pull off his hoodie with the damned handprint on it. He clenched the garment tightly in his fist, welcoming the feeling of cool air whipping against his T-shirt. 

He sprinted aimlessly until his muscles began to ache and he realized that his breathing was a bit constructed by his binder. He slowed his pace to a walk. A stretch of grass and trees came into view on the horizon, and he realized he was approaching the park. He knew where he was going now. 

He made his way over to the swingset, thinking back to when he had seen Cyrus there the first time they really talked. 

“I’ve got stuff,” TJ had said. 

“Betcha I’ve got more stuff,” Cyrus had said. 

_ Not likely _ , TJ had thought, but he had changed the subject, not wanting to divulge any more. 

But now? Maybe TJ was ready to tell him about more of his  _ stuff _ ... Any time he was vulnerable with Cyrus, he was met with such compassion. 

No kids were on the swing set, so TJ was able to sit where he had those months before. He kicked himself into the air, savoring the feeling of wind on his face. 

He could probably come up with some random explanation to give about why he ran off. Cyrus would likely respect his privacy, no matter what excuse he gave. 

_ I still don’t have to tell him I’m trans. I don’t owe it to anybody, _ he reminded himself. 

_ But… I  _ **_want_ ** _ to tell him? I’m still scared. But I want him to know. This is a part of who I am.  _

He slowed his swinging and pulled out his phone. He already had three messages waiting. 

**Cyrus** : Hey, sorry for what happened… are you okay?

**Cyrus** : I’m getting food with Buffy and Walker. Let me know if you want me to get anything for you 

**Cyrus** : Please don’t hate me

Hate? How could TJ ever hate Cyrus?  _ I’m the one who left him there; he’s the one who should be angry at me… I must’ve looked so upset when it happened, for me to think I could possibly hate him? _

Before he could ruminate too much, he tapped out a response:

**TJ** : Sorry for ditching you like that. Needed to clear my head. Meet me at swings ASAP?

Cyrus texted back almost immediately:

**Cyrus** : On my way!

TJ chuckled at the exclamation, knowing full well that it was an auto-correct response, but still feeling some warmth at the knowledge that Cyrus was eager to see him.

Then the anxiety came back, a pit opening up in his gut. He took a deep breath. _I can do this. I can do this._

He alternated between swinging and fiddling around on his phone until Cyrus showed up. 

“Hey,” TJ half-smiled nervously as Cyrus approached and sat on the swing next to him. 

“Hey.”

“So, about what happened earlier…”

“I am so sorry,” Cyrus winced, “It was a clumsy accident--”

“I know; you didn’t mean to. It’s not a big deal. But… there’s a reason I reacted so… strongly.” TJ paused. How was he supposed to explain this? “I guess you could say it was…  triggering? when you touched me there. I… ”

His voice felt caught in his throat. He wanted to be honest with Cyrus. He really did. So why was it still so hard? 

“TJ…” Cyrus’ eyes widened with concern, “You know you’re safe with me, right? You don’t have explain anything that you don’t want to.”

“I know,” TJ breathed, becoming increasingly aware of the tension in his jaw. “But I  _ want _ to tell you. I,” he swallowed thickly. “I’m trans.”

He managed to bring his eyes up to look at Cyrus, confusion on the other boy’s face.

“I have dysphoria about my chest,” TJ explained, “Which is why I was so uncomfortable when you touched me there.”

“ _Oh_ ,” Cyrus said softly with realization. “Yeah, that makes sense. Thank you for trusting me enough to tell me this, TJ. Just to clarify … you’re a trans _guy_ , right?”

TJ nodded, his nerves still frayed.

“Gotcha. Once again, I’m so sorry for what happened. For what it’s worth, though, I didn’t notice anything…  _ different…  _ when I touched you.”

“Ah, thanks,” TJ made an awkward attempt at chuckling to relieve some tension.  

“Listen… I won’t even pretend that I can relate to what you’re going through. I don’t want to overstep or make you feel worse. So, I’ll just say that I am here for you, okay?”

“Thank you,” TJ murmured, more serious this time. 

Despite the concern and kindness Cyrus was showing him, TJ was still so afraid. “This doesn’t change anything between us… does it?”

“Of course not, TJ. You’re still my not-so-scary basketball guy,” Cyrus smiled softly, to which TJ smiled back. “And I’m still your friend, for as long as you want me to be. You  _ do _ you still want to be friends with me, right?’

“Why would I ever stop being your friend?” TJ asked confusedly.

“I was, uh, worried that you thought I was a weirdo, after what I did,” Cyrus scrunched up his face with embarrassment. “And then I was afraid you wanted to talk to tell me that you didn’t want anything to do with me anymore.”

TJ frowned. “Cyrus. I know that our minds come up with intrusive thoughts sometimes. But still... how could you think that? I could  _ never _ hate you. Why would I stop being your friend because of one awkward moment?”

Cyrus sighed. “Alright. My turn to come out." He paused. "I’m gay, And I like you, TJ. Not just as a friend.”

TJ’s eyes widened in shock. “Wait, hold up… You  _ like-like  _ me? In a gay way?”

Cyrus felt himself turning red and wanted to bury his head in the sand. “Yeah...” 

TJ stared in surprise as Cyrus continued to ramble, “I’m fine with our friendship being platonic, really, I love being your friend, but eventually I realized you make my heart go  _ badumbadumbadum _ ,” Cyrus thumped his chest quickly, “and when you reacted strangely to me putting my hand on your chest, I thought you had somehow figured it out, and realized I was attracted to you, and were disgusted with me.”

TJ blinked rapidly, mind spinning with what Cyrus had just said. “ _ Seriously _ , Cyrus? I’ve been in love with you this entire time.”

Cyrus’ eyes widened. “Wait, really? You like me back?!” he remarked incredulously. “All this time that I’ve been pining away, and you liked me back!?”

“Yes! I thought it was pretty obvious, actually!” TJ laughed, still in shock. “Why didn’t you tell me that you liked me?”

“I just  _ did _ !” Cyrus protested.

“Before today, I mean!” TJ rolled his eyes.

“I was afraid to because I thought you didn’t like me back! Why didn’t  _ you  _ tell  _ me _ ?”

“Because  _ I _ didn’t know if  _ you  _ liked  _ me  _ back!” 

“Wow,” Cyrus took a moment to breathe. “Okay, so now we both know. I like you and you like me.”

“Yeah. Wow.”

“I suppose  _ this  _ changes things, huh? Now that we both know we like each other?”

TJ rolled his eyes, “ _ Well _ , it doesn’t have to change  _ every _ thing. We already hang out all the time. Do we... just call them dates now?”

“That sounds good to me,” Cyrus grinned. 

“And I can hold your hand properly, instead of casually brushing my fingers against yours all the time?”

Cyrus laughed, “Yes. I love holding hands.”

“Good,” TJ smirked and laced their hands together, “because I’m going be holding yours a lot.”

Cyrus blushed. “So... does this officially make us boyfriends?”

_ Boyfriends _ . TJ felt a surge of euphoria and grinned. “Yeah. Boyfriends.”

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed! I felt nervous about posting this bc on the one hand, some of it is v personal to me... but on the other hand, TJ’s trans narrative is different than my own, and I hope I do it justice? Let me know what you think. **Comments are very much appreciated!**
> 
>  HMU on tumblr @ tyrus-time if you want :)
> 
> OH, also, kudos to you if you got the [Steven Universe reference](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AWmch_bdEmA) at the beginning haha


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